I don’t think in all the years I’ve been blogging that I’ve done a Life Update post. I think I’ve reached the point where I want to share a part of me, as I hardly ever talk about my life outside of blogging. I’m not ready to be 100% open but I do want to have an open chat if that’s ok with you guys?
Ok, so 2018 wasn’t the greatest year, actually, it sucked if I’m going to be totally honest. I have a full-time job outside of blogging, I’m a travel agent and work random hours – I do shift work hence why my posts are always so scattered – that’s one of my goals for 2019 – I’ll chat about that later. I like what I do, I can do it in my sleep but it’s not fulfilling, it doesn’t push my creative brain – I’ve been saying for ages now that I’m in the wrong industry – that’s why I turned to blogging, as a creative outlet.
2018 just seemed to plod along with nothing exciting happening, until the dreaded day on the 7th of December (no longer my lucky number) when my dad, my rock, my support system was diagnosed with colon cancer. I wasn’t going to say anything in this post, but I guess I just needed to write it down, make it more real, accept it and push on. It’s been a tiring almost 2 months of now being his rock and his support system, It’s been the hardest time of my life but somehow I’m getting through it, I have to for him.
The only “good” thing about this diagnosis is that it’s reconnected myself with my mother. Only my really close friends and a couple people at work know that I’ve never been close to mother, my whole life its been like that, growing up as a little girl, a teenager I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. About 3 years ago myself and mother stopped speaking. I’ve had people judge me, how can I cut her out my life, how can I be selfish when some people would give anything to have a mom etc, but what people don’t understand is that it was a toxic relationship. I think she in her own way loved me (and my sister) but didn’t know how to show it. I was so used to the way my dad and his family showed love, that that’s what I expected from her but I never got it. I think when I grew up and formed my own personality and my own ways, but being the controlling person she was, she didn’t like the fact that I would push back. It eventually got so toxic I couldn’t have her in my life anymore. People can judge me all they want, but they didn’t understand how much lighter I felt not having that negativity in my life, I also started feeling better about myself, not having someone bring me down with their words. Anyway so when my dad got diagnosed, I had to put my feelings aside, do that for the man who would do anything for the people he loves and be there, be around people I didn’t want to be around for his sake, with all the hospital visits, doctors appointments and times at home when he needed help. I don’t know the right word to use? nice? reconnecting with her, being able to be in the same room without constantly fighting, but I’m not getting my hopes up for a mother daughter relationship that you see in the movies, but it’s been nice ? having her around and I think she has changed or maybe now appreciates the fact that she has a daughter again, I don’t know, now I feel like I’m rambling. It’s hard for me to explain, I’m keeping my (semi) distance as I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’m open enough for conversation.
I’m praying so hard for 2019 to be a good year, I’m not asking for a great fantastic year I just want calmness, love, health, all the things I think we take for granted. Please know that this post is not a sympathy post, I didn’t want to be this open, it all just poured out while writing. I find it very therapeutic
Now for 2019……
There are some things I’ve been working on for years and some I’ve recently been working on – I guess it was a way I coped with everything, a distraction. I don’t want to say I’m scared to share with everyone what I’m working on, I guess I’m worried that if I say it out loud, make it more real and it doesn’t happen I will fail – I hate failure, I don’t want to be a disappointment to myself or more so the people around me.
So some exciting news, in November 2017 I put a deposit down for my own place, I bought off plan so it was going to take about a year and a half to build. Its nothing big, it’s a 1 bedroom flat but knowing it’s going to be all mine and I was able to do it by working really hard and saving saving saving, makes me so happy. I went to have a look at it last week and looks like it will be ready for me to move into at the end of May. I’m so excited, I have so many little things I want to tweak as you buy the flat standard with the bare minimums so the Pinterest lover in me can’t wait to make me little flat my sanctuary with the things I love. So bring on the overtime and more saving.
For years and years, I’ve been working on a book, throwing ideas around in my head, building characters, coming up with names – that keep changing, but I keep putting it aside but its another goal I have for 2019 – bring my book/book series to life. I think what has inspired me is that my love for books hit me hard last year. I read so many books last year that it inspired me, that if you really love something and put your whole heart, it will come to life.
Another thing I’m working on – can you tell I never sleep lol – is a product I feel is lacking in South Africa – I was searching, even on Etsy, and I noticed it is easily accessible in the eg: US / UK / AUS but not here. So I’ve designed a few samples. I want to get them made, take photos, upload it to my social media accounts and see what the feedback is before I do anything permanently
This year I really want to do more blogs posts, schedule posts so I don’t feel rushed or pressed for time if something suddenly and unexpectedly comes up, I want to get more organized. I want to post about beauty, about books, or anything else I feel passionate about. I don’t want to stay in one lane, I don’t want to be put in a singular box. If my loves change or another love comes into my heart then I want to be able to blog about it without worrying if I’m going to get judged or shut down for it.
Oh my word, another thing, I’ve never really been a concert person. Maybe it’s the crowds, the strangers around me, I honestly can’t tell you but when I went to the Michael Buble a few years ago, I fell in love with the vibe, the atmosphere, that we were all there for 1 reason and it was the exact same reason. So this year I’ve booked 2 concerts. Ed Sheeran in March and Andrea Bocelli in April. I am beyond excited.
Something I need to work on this year is self-confidence. I think for too long I’ve worried how others perceive me, how I come across to people. I guess it’s due to a couple of toxic relationships in my life (family and ex-boyfriends). I’ve shied away from any potential relationships last year as I didn’t feel comfortable with who I am, inside and out. So how I can expect someone to like or love me, if I didn’t feel that way towards myself. But what happened last year has put that all in perspective, that life is short. So I’m going to go with the flow and let life guide me without letting myself stand in the way
Wow, I put “pen” to paper a lot more than I thought I would. I guess it’s something that I just needed to do.
I think 2019 is going to be a long and hard road but at the same time, it’s going to make me grow, it’s already started teaching me to appreciate the small things in life and to take chances. I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my post. I hope you all have a great year filled with love and happiness. To end things off…. one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite books/movies
“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”